PLAYDATE NOTES
BENNETTA BENSON
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
How do you approach other Parents to
get playdates?
Some ways to approach parents and get playdates:
Clearly the most obvious is through friends and relatives. With them, if you have shared your child's concerns, likely you can be completely honest and straightforward -- "I want your child, I don't want you." Then there's no problem. Also, you have a very good idea about potential matches with your child BEFORE you set up the playdates.
For our child's Nursery School, I got there early and hung out before and after to "chat" with the other (all new to me) parents. They need to get to know you. Then I wrote a little note saying the last message -- Stefan would like to get to know kids better, needs work on language -- talking with other kids, and playing cooperatively. I said I'd like to organize playdates completely at the other parent's convenience. I gave copies to all the parents and some bit. They all wanted come over the first time. Some kids just didn't work out as a "match". In that case, I had them over once/month and phased them out. They all saw each other at Nursery School anyway, so it wasn't an issue.
Also, if you have a church group, do the same thing.
Walk around the neighborhood and see who's got play structures in their front/back yard. Knock on the door and introduce yourself. Say that you are looking for local kids to play with. Invite over... etc. (I did this, but there wasn't anyone appropriate). You can't be shy -- maybe they wish there were other kids as well, but didn't know how to approach strangers in the neighborhood. These kids usually find each other once they are in the local school "Hey you just live 2 streets over from me", but you can't wait that long.
Think of anyone you know -- friends, friends of friends -- ask around who may have appropriate kids. Then give them a call.
You need to get the right playdate child -- so be really picky about who you get over on a regular basis. Don't worry if you wouldn't pick the parent as your best friend, focus on the attributes of the child. If your child goes home talking about how much fun he/she had and what a great place to be, then you don't have to worry about the parent. Also, don't forget their child is also getting concentrated learning time as well.
Do you tell other parents about your child's
"diagnosis - PDD or other?"
This is a very personal choice.
I think you have to look at the cost-benefit here. We also debated whether to tell the other parents that our child was "PDD". We had already made a decision not to tell people who could not make a significant contribution to our efforts. If all they could contribute was a "tsk, tsk", or look and judge our child differently, then we just didn't raise the issue. If anyone commented, we just said we were working on some issues with our child. When his behavior was really bizarre, they probably just thought - "what crazy parents, don't they know there's something wrong". Well, yes, we did, and yes we were working very hard on it, but it really wasn't any of their concern. With playdates, we were just concerned that maybe parents would be specifically asking their child about problem areas after the playdate, and raising "that child is different" in their child's head. If the other parent is really open, then make a judgement call. However, at the first few playdates with new kids (some of whom may not work out anyway) I would recommend not sharing a "formal" diagnosis. Just talk about the areas you want to work on with your child in a positive, progressive, "I want to be a good parent and teach my child more" mode.
In one child's case, it wasn't really an issue, as the family was friends (not close - the dad was a friend of my husbands pre-wedding days, and we get together maybe once-twice a year as families to "catch-up"). However, their son was PERFECT as a playdate match, so we approached them about it and told them the complete reason. They were fine with it, but probably because they knew Stefan a little bit first.
The other two, all I said to the parents was that our child needed to work on language and communication skills. "He has a little difficulty expressing himself verbally and he needs work on language skills with other kids. This is the reason that I need time to spend with the kids by myself. I need to facilitate the interaction and this is too difficult to do with the other parent around". Also, I said he needs work on playing cooperatively". I didn't say he needs work on social skills, because I didn't want them to think that he was going to rough up their kid.
They were ok with that. I was NOT going to tell them that there was any "other issue", and in fact, this is EXACTLY the issue, so who needs a diagnosis to confuse things.
The most recent parent I have had over with her two kids and it DOES NOT work. I am going to tell her the above shortly, and hope it's ok. Some parent may need to see your environment with their child, meet you etc, before they'll agree that their child can come over all by himself. Some other parents a also quite protective. If the situation doesn't work out -- move on. Don't waste time if you feel that it just won't work.
What about Discipline Issues during the Playdate?
There are two issues here:
What about disciplining your child in front of the other
child, particularly if it requires physical restraint?
I just went ahead and did what I would normally do if there were no child around. At first this was hard, because I worried about "embarrassing" my child and "distressing" the other child. Not a problem --- it truly is better to stay focused, deal with the issue directly and get it over with, and then get the kids back on track. They BOTH have to know what the rules are of playing with other kids - polite, don't hit, don't throw things, scream and yell, listen quietly to other people talking and sit down when you are supposed to. I just talked and talked and talked the whole time I was doing it. For example, while holding a screaming, crying tantrummy child tightly in my arms, and right in front of the other child -- "I'm sorry, but that's not what we do. You can't throw that toy at _____(other child)___. When we have people over, the rule is... When you are ready to be quiet and play, then we can go play."
Actually I did quite a lot of this at first, but now I don't have to. The other child would always listen quietly and watch. I NEVER expressed angry or frustration in voice or manner. I always held and spoke firmly, but positively. Sometimes I would really hold a running dialogue of questions and answers either to myself, and sometimes to the other child. "What do I do when we play with play doh ? Do I throw it on the floor and scream at my friend to go away. No, we sit down and play with play doh. Or maybe we can say, "I think I am all finished, Let's go play with something else now. Do I like when my friends come over to play with me? Yes, I do like when my friends come over to play with me. ___(Other child)___ do you like to come over here to play? Yes, you do, because it's fun. We play with a lot of different games and toys and make crafts. It is a lot of fun..." etc. etc.
We also parent using the "1,2,3... Magic" program. This program has proven to be very, very effective for us, as we were dealing with a "selective hearing" child who ignored us most of the time. Come here (after the first call), get dressed, get undressed (getting ready for anything really), don't do that (whatever minor misbehavior) involved major nagging and prompting every single step of the way. After implementing 1,2,3 (at about age 3.5), we gave about 10 or so major screaming tantrummy 5-minute time-outs and then it really was magic. We'd just say "That's 1..." very firmly, and that little kid came running, or immediately stopped the behavior. Sometimes it gets to "That's 2...", but it rarely gets to time out.
In terms of Playdates, I had to use this as well. We had already established the 1, 2,3 program before I used it in Playdate sessions, or it would have been a disaster. I did have to give time-outs occasionally, but they were for behavior that would not be tolerated at the other child's home either. I took our child out of the room for the time out and came back with him to talk to both children after it was over. Lots of explaining really is the key. You cannot tolerate misbehavior, or the other child will not want to come over. Children need firm rules and guidelines. If those are established firmly and early in your Playdate Program, then later you will have to do verbal reminders only.
What about disciplining the other child, if his/her
behavior is not what you expect your child to be doing?
Some general behavioral issues arose:
The other child did not want to clean up after each activity before going on to the next one.
"When you come over to play at __(our child)'s ___ house, the rule is that we clean up one activity before we go on to the next one. If you don't want to clean up, then that tells me that you are all finished playing for today, and it's time to take you home. Do you want to go home now or do you want to play all the fun things we've got planned for today? That's your decision. Stay and clean up and play, or go home?"
I actually got as far as getting one child all dressed up (winter time) along with my two kids and opened the front door before he changed his mind. If you say it, you've got to mean it. They will test you for sure.
After snack time, the other child did not want to either help set the table, sit at the table when they are finished and our child is not, help clear the table, put their dishes away in the dishwasher and/or wipe the table before running off to play.
I always pulled in the Little Tykes picnic bench table for snack time in the kitchen.
"Before" issues are easy - "If you don't want to help set the table and pass out the food, then that tells me that you are not hungry for snack today. I'll just put __ (our child)__ up at the big kitchen table and he can have snack with me. You go play. What are we having for snack today? Hmmm... let's see". (Then pull out really fun things, like Smarties or Oreo cookies - forget about the planned banana and apple. Don't let the other child stay in the kitchen - keep telling them to go play, "it was your decision not to have snack today, so please go play. We'll be finished later". Then make sure that they hear every word you say about your delicious fun snack. Works every time.
"During" issue - What if the other child eats fast and wants to run off to play, while your very slow eating child picks away at the snack but wants to eat every bite. First, set a time limit for snack time. For example, fifteen minutes and snacktime is over. If your child is not finished, then snacktime is still over, but he can save it for later (he usually just forgets all about it). Second, save a really special treat for BOTH children after both are finished. Both have to sit at the table and talk about things until they are both finished, then they get the treat. If the other child takes off, then the stay-at-the-table child gets both treats. I had to do this only a few times.
"After" issues are a little tougher, but a rule is a rule, and unless it is enforced early on, there will be no happy "no issue" compliance later. We just don't go on to another activity until the snack area is cleaned up. I do not let the other child just go do free play either. Here, I just insist. Clean up or that's the end of the playdate. I've had to say this several times, but never really had to act on it in terms of terminating the playdate. Usually the next activity is fun and they can't wait to get to it.
During snack time, the other child would want to get up and walk around with food or drink.
"At our house we sit down in the kitchen when we eat. We don't take food into the living room. We don't get up and walk around the kitchen. If you get up, that tells me that you are all finished. If you get up again, I will have to take your snack and put it away." (I still make the child clean up the dishes - I just take to food/drink away and put the dishes back on the table). I really emphasize that my reaction is because that child made a decision. It was YOUR decision to behave like that so I HAD to do this. Sorry, but that was your decision. Maybe next time you can make a different decision.
During playtime, when I would make a request of the child to "go get __(something)__", he would say "No, that's ok, you can go get it..."
Essentially the issue here is that other children may not necessarily be expected to do a lot around their own home. As they are still young, many parents may still run around and cater to their needs a bit more than we are willing to do. Our issue is that we need a child who will take instruction without argument and debate, willingly follow orders or requests given by adults, and be as self-sufficient as possible, as early as possible.
I would be firm here as well, "I'm sorry, but I'm the adult and you are the child. When I ask you to do something, I really need you to do something. If you tell me that you don't want to do it, then you are telling me that you don't want to play by the rules we have at our house. If you can't play by the rules at our house, then I guess we'll just have to take you home. How about if we try this again. I'll ask you the question and you can give me another answer. You could say, "Ok __(my name)__, I can go get that for you." (Repeat your request)". Off they go. I have had to use this many times early on with EVERY child. They learn fairly quickly what your expectations are. Now I sometimes have to repeat the request, but I never have to threaten. "I'm not sure that you heard me. I was asking you to do something, please (repeat request)."